When I was eight or so, I slept over at another child’s house for the first time. As I recall, the event was a birthday party. The kinds of birthday parties that generally started on Saturday at dinnertime and extended well into Sunday morning used to be called slumber parties, a hopeful and naïve name if ever there was one, as no one ever slept (much less slumbered) during them.
I remember dreading this sleepover for a couple of reasons. I was shy, and I preferred predictability and routine. At the end of the day I wanted to be in my own home, to take a bath in my own tub, to crawl between the sheets of my own bed. But far trickier for me to clear than this hurdle was the fact that I still sucked my thumb. My mother had tried every (gentle) trick in the book to get me to stop. Nothing had worked. So understandably, I was petrified of getting caught in this, the ultimate babyish act, by a gaggle of little girls. Cruel little girls, by definition.
I don’t know why, but it never occurred to me that I could decline the invitation to the party and be spared not only weeks of worry but the indignity of having my most deeply held secret revealed to those who would likely be broadcasting it over a metaphorical megaphone when school resumed on Monday. So as the date of the sleepover grew closer, my time was spent thinking about strategies to avoid sucking my thumb in the presence of fifteen other girls. I considered not sleeping at all but was forced to reject this outright on the theory that I couldn’t control whether I’d fall asleep. Finally I decided on what I believed to be a masterful plan. I’d sleep on my stomach and put my hands underneath my stomach. Then, I figured, my thumb wouldn’t be accessible to me.
The stupidity of my plan practically leaps off the page and knocks me flat as I consider it with the well-practiced logical skills of a 39-year-old. At the same time, the earnest innocence of the plan makes me want to cry. As things turned out on that Saturday night in 1975, no one caught me sucking my thumb, although that’s not because my plan worked. It didn’t work. I did find myself sucking my thumb but popped it out of my mouth in horror when I realized what I was doing. I remember looking around the room at all the girls in their sleeping bags, and to my great relief I found that they were all still asleep.
My children do not suck their thumbs or engage in any other embarrassing nighttime rituals. And yet neither one has never been on a sleepover. Jack, at five, is still too young for sleepovers, but Ben, at almost ten, is certainly old enough to sleep at a friend’s house. He has plenty of friends and goes on plenty of playdates, but no one has asked him to spend the night. Nor has he asked me if a friend can spend the night at our house. For a long time I was secretly glad of it.
But sometimes I wonder whether I should have told Ben that sleepovers are in fact an option. I wonder if my belief that there is nothing of tremendous value in sleeping over at someone else’s house is just a cover for my distaste for slumber parties, distaste acquired one night more than thirty years ago.
It is our job as parents to expose our children to the world. Not simply those parts of the world with which we’re comfortable, but the world writ large. For a long time I deluded myself into thinking that because no one had yet asked Ben over for a sleepover, I was in the clear. But I’m seeing things differently lately, and one of these days I’m going to sit down with Ben and find out if he wants to have a friend over to spend the night. It may not be the easiest thing for me to do, but it’ll definitely be the right thing to do.
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[tags]kids, children, parents, relationships, sleepovers, boys, girls, teasing, fear, apprehension, joy, fun, worry, concern[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by stepol, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
20 responses so far ↓
LawyerMama // Aug 30, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I ache for little girl you.
I was never all that fond of sleepovers either. Not necessarily for the same reason, but I’ve always really liked my sleep and there’s not much sleeping that happens at those. I think boys tend to do it less than girls though, if I remember my little brother & his friends correctly.
InTheFastLane // Aug 30, 2007 at 2:06 pm
I never really liked sleeping over at other people’s houses. I often had my friends over to my house, though. I don’t think my brother ever really did. Violet has had a few (but I dread them, personally). And Dash had a very close friend spend the night one night and they actually slept. But, this friend’s parents are almost like family to us.
WhatWorksForMom // Aug 30, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Wow, this is so powerful. I feel for you - then.
The best part of sleepovers for me was the trip home. I wasn’t fond of them either, because I didn’t bring along my stuffed animal that I so needed to sleep with at that age.
Heather // Aug 30, 2007 at 6:21 pm
I still remember my first sleep-over. I was 6. We stayed up until about 10 and it felt so rebellious and naughty!
We got to eat Strawberry Shortcake ice cream cake after my friend’s younger siblings went to bed. I thought that was the coolest thing ever.
I’m sorry you didn’t have a fun experience like that!
Kyla // Aug 30, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Awww, our poor little Slouching Mom. It is hard being a kid sometimes. I wish you could have enjoyed that sleepover.
My son has them with his cousins at my parent’s house. I’m not ready for anything more quite yet.
Zellmer // Aug 30, 2007 at 7:10 pm
I was an only child who hated being an only child and therefore I loved sleepovers because they gave me that sense of comaraderie that I so longed for at home.
I did love this post because it’s so true what you say at the end. We can’t protect our children from the things that plagued us in the past. We have to let them discover things for themselves, no matter how nerve-wracking that is.
Eileen // Aug 30, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I loved this post so much! I total feel for you, and how scared you must have been. Peer pressure is so intense at that age. My niece still wets the bed once in a while and was in the same situation. Her and her mom were in a total panic, they even went to the doctor to get some type of pill, that was suppose to help. Talk about anxiety! It did not seem worth it to me.
Your point about letting our children experience the world and not let our feelings/fears impact them is such a great one. Yet so hard, and one I struggle with frequently.
Thanks for bringing up theses points! It gave me so much to think about.
Lori // Aug 30, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Funny thing… I actually have two extra boys at my house right this very moment, who will indeed, be sleeping over. They are dear friends of ours though and I have known them both since they were babies (they are brothers). They are best friends with my boys and the four of them always have nothing short of a fabulous time together.
I don’t always love the sleepover thing mainly because of the lack of sleeping, and I tend to turn into “Grouchy Mom” after about 10:00pm. But my boys LOVE it, so it is fun to indulge them every now and then.
I am sorry your first sleepover was so miserable. Your mixed feelings now are certainly understandable.
Jess // Aug 30, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I sucked my thumb ’til I was like eight or something. But as I got older, I LOVED slumber parties. Especially the junior high ones when we’d prank call the boys we adored and stay up late to watch R-rated movies our parents didn’t know we were watching.
Emily // Aug 30, 2007 at 11:10 pm
You might need to have that talk. Sooner or later, he may hear about other sleepovers and get pissed.
The Parents Zone // Aug 31, 2007 at 2:17 am
hi
Woooow ur post is credible buddy I love it,btw being as a kid we can joy isn’t,n as per i remember…… i never sleep at others house.
once again saying nice post,keep up the gud work.
Lori at Spinning Yellow // Aug 31, 2007 at 4:42 am
I used to ask my mom to lie for me and say I couldn’t go to a sleepover so I could blame it on her. One time, when I was about 8, my mom had to come get me at night b/c I was crying and couldn’t go to sleep!
My sister and her kids live close, so we start with the cousins to ease the kids into it.
Blooming Desertpea // Aug 31, 2007 at 5:05 am
I never had to push either of the kids to do a sleepover. My daughter has been invited the first time when she was 4 and as she was used to sleep at her grandparents it came easy for her to do it. She became very fond of sleepovers and would have liked to do it every weekend if we had let her. My son had more troubles with it - he desperately wanted to do it but when the time came to go to bed, he just didn’t manage to fall asleep. He suffered between wanting to do something and not being able to. It took him a few years to train and finally he’s fine.
It’s a great experience to sleep at somebody else’s place but only if the child is really up to it.
christine // Aug 31, 2007 at 6:21 am
i would never let my kids go to a birthday party sleepover or a sleepover at the house of school acquaintance. but we have done small one person sleep overs at a couple of friends houses. these are people that are basically family and we trust them implicitly. and my girl is having her dear little friend (who is a boy, i wonder how long this will be ok) over this weekend.
and your anxiety must have been overwhelming. that poor little girl.
Julie Pippert // Aug 31, 2007 at 11:17 am
It was the “jokes” and “teasing.” I never liked it.
Julie
Ravin’ Picture Maven
Monica // Aug 31, 2007 at 4:33 pm
I agree with Jess, I loved the older sleepovers. The ones were you would toilet paper the cute boy’s house. But at 8, I could see how it could be frightening. Glad no one caught you in flagrante delicto. And I agree how nice it is to experience different things. One of my fondest memories I have is a sleepover at a girl’s house who lived on a farm. Their house was so cozy. It still makes me warm to think about it.
Lori // Aug 31, 2007 at 7:14 pm
I just remembered that we have often been the hosts of “half sleepovers” in our house- especially when my oldest son was younger. We would invite over a group of boys for pizza and a movie night, complete with popcorn and treats. They would even wear their PJ’s. BUT their parents would come and pick them up at about 10:00. Everyone went home to sleep in their own beds, but still had the fun of a late night with friends.
Maybe you could suggest a half-sleepover sometime soon?
Wacky Mommy // Sep 1, 2007 at 9:30 am
Awww, you…
That was a sweet little story, I can relate. I hated sleepovers as a kid.
My daughter loves them — she had her first slumber party last night, for her 8th birthday. It went fine, just four girls total. But we were both pretty nervous. Two of the girls were super-shy about staying (didn’t want to). Their parents let me know, then we kept it flexible, told them to just come for the cooky cake and goody bags. Once they got here they changed their minds, and the parents (this was too sweet) actually ran over with bags with pajamas and changes of clothes.
ewe_are_here // Sep 2, 2007 at 2:03 am
I enjoyed slumber parties when I was little, starting when I was about 4 or 5 I believe. Although they weren’t as enjoyable after the age of 12… girls can be very imaginative in terms of cruelty and exclusion
MeMo's Mama // Sep 3, 2007 at 9:43 am
just had to add my two cents - i sucked my thumb until i was 13! my teeth actually wound up okay but no one except family knew of this dirty little secret!
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