Careful, the beverage you’re about to enjoy is extremely hot.
This product is not to be ingested.
[on a bottle of lemon-scented dishwashing liquid]
These kinds of warnings are rampant in today’s world. They have always made me laugh. “As if!,†I snort. How likely is it that someone is going to drink dishwashing liquid? Or take a huge swig of coffee before testing it to see if it is still scalding? I know, I know. You say, “But Slouching Mom, companies are afraid of lawsuits. That’s why ridiculous warnings like the ones above are issued.â€
Maybe. But I think there is more that we can take from cautions like these; they reveal quite a lot about our society’s aversion to risk. Because we can control so much of what goes on around us, we find ourselves increasingly uncomfortable with even the slightest degree of risk. If we were to accept risk, we would be forced to acknowledge that some events occur outside of our sphere of influence. Threatened by that reality, many of us simply opt out of endeavors that carry risk.
Yet I believe we do our children a huge disservice by keeping them in risk-free settings, keeping them in a bubble, as it were. I think that in so doing we teach them to have a false sense of security. When they go out into the big, bad world, will they be prepared for its vagaries if their way has always been paved?
When Ben was in first grade, he was seven years old, not six, because he has an October birthday. As his school is a mere ten-minute walk from our house, we decided to let him walk to school alone. We knew that there would be a crossing guard stationed at every street he’d need to cross. My husband and I had spent a good part of the summer before Ben’s first-grade year accompanying him on practice walks to school. During these trial runs, we had realized that we knew the families living in at least a third of the houses Ben would pass on his route to school. There would always be plenty of other kids streaming to school at the same time as he was walking. We had talked to him many times about strangers, about running away if a stranger were ever to try to entice him into a car. I remember saying, “This stranger might even tell you that Daddy and I are hurt, and he needs to take you to the hospital where we are, or that he needs your help finding his dog. Never believe him.†Having undergone abundant preparations like these, Ben was ready to walk to school by himself.
And he did a great job. Yet that May, I had a phone call from the parent of one of Ben’s classmates. “I just thought you might want to know that Ben is dawdling when he’s walking,†she said disapprovingly.
“Thanks for letting me know,†I answered, politely enough, while wondering why it wasn’t acceptable to dawdle a little, to smell those proverbial roses.
“He’s too young to be walking,†she continued, and her tone was distinctly unfriendly and judgmental.
“I must not think so if I am allowing him to walk. But thanks for your opinion,†I muttered quickly, and I got off the phone as soon as I could.
There are risks, absolutely. There are always risks. It is up to each of us, as parents, to draw a line between acceptable and unacceptable risk. Everyone is going to draw the line in a slightly different place.
But, you know? I really just want my kids to be able to live. I want them to be able to play outside without me hovering over them, scrutinizing their every move. If Jack feels like going outside on his bicycle, and I cannot come with him because I’m on the phone, or in the shower, I want him still to be able to go. He knows that without me he is not allowed past our development’s group mailbox. That is his boundary. He also knows that he should be vigilant about the possibility of a car pulling into the only driveway he might cross. That driveway leads away from the house of a family with young children, so no one is apt to pull into it incautiously. But still.
Children need some freedom and independence so that they can grow. Not physically – that’ll just happen – but psychologically. So that when they are finally ready to leave for college, we can say of them not just that they are eighteen, but that they are adults.
[tags]kids, children, little ones, safety, risk, exploring, learning, confidence, trust, growth[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by ehpien, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
13 responses so far ↓
christine // Jun 22, 2007 at 4:58 am
We can never completely shelter our children or they will grow fearful and overly dependent. My husband sees it a lot at work, where young adults have no idea how to actually be adults at all.
Yet, at the same time, we are our children’s only and best advocates, and it is our job to protect them. There is a fine line, I think, between protecting and teaching and scaring and smothering.
Bon // Jun 22, 2007 at 5:52 am
dude, that tone, from the “helpful” parent who called about the dawdling? i can hear that right through teh internets. and it makes my upper lip curl.
gah.
more on topic…that fine line between wanting our children to be safe and wanting them to experience some of the headiness and decision-making and learning that comes with independence is a really hard one to walk, i think. i value caution and wildness, both. i know what it’s like to have the burden of a parent’s fear smother you a little…though my mother was amazingly strong about letting go on the big things, she still freaks out if she can hear me chewing while we talk on the phone. because, you know, i might choke to death. and i might…she’s not wrong. but her freaking out makes me WANT to eat and talk at the same time. so i am afraid to impose my own safety-vision perspective of the world on O, for fear of cultivating recklessness.
and more, for fear of robbing him of some of the joy of dawdling, and exploring. within bounds, yes. but i know from teaching that if you don’t let a kid learn to make mistakes and decisions, they don’t learn much else in the way of independence and drive, either. and i value those skills…as does today’s economy, to an extent.
Ally // Jun 22, 2007 at 6:27 am
Well said, SM. It is important to allow our children to experience life outside the bubble, and to make mistakes– and learn from those mistakes– while they are still young and the stakes are low. Good for you for allowing your child to walk to school after preparing him thoroughly. And for sticking to your guns when someone questioned that decision. Thanks for this thought-provoking post. I will be chewing on it as I go about my day today.
Kaleigh // Jun 22, 2007 at 6:29 am
Oh amen and amen! It amazes me how tightly some people grip their children and don’t let them do anything independently. I walked to school (sounds like a similar walk) ALONE in kindergarten. And it wasn’t a big deal at all. We offered that to our kids but they didn’t feel ready. (And now it’s not an option since the school is a mile away, and we live downtown.) But they would take walks around the block and never had a problem. Now my ten-year-old is a very responsible kid who makes a pretty decent income dogsitting for our neighbors. And she does it *all* (except the late-night walk, because she needs her beauty sleep).
Glad I’m not the only parent who belives in a bit of benign neglect.
Stu Mark // Jun 22, 2007 at 6:41 am
My daughter has been walking to school (and to friends’ houses) alone since she was maybe 9 1/2. She understands not to go with a stranger, she understands how to kick a guy in his jewels, and she understands that this is *her* life to be lived, not *mine* or anyone else’s. Exploration is a part of that.
And about the dawdling, I love to dawdle. It’s a hobby. I love to walk, and I love to explore and learn while I’m walking. Stopping to smell the flowers, run your hands over a fence, look at an anthill, listen to the rain… these are all the things that make up the journey. So bravo to your dawdler, may his imagination grow 100-fold along the way.
JChevais // Jun 22, 2007 at 7:36 am
I think my 8 year old son could handle the walk to school alone but I know that my husband wouldn’t allow me to allow that. Once I let my kids cross the street (albeit a very busy one) by themselves (hell, there were two police officers acting as crossing guards) and my husband flipped a wig when he found out.
It didn’t matter that I stayed on the other side of the street and watched them walk into the school yard, I was still irresponsable. Apparently.
Whatever. It’s just one of those things where my husband’s and I’s ideas of responsability cross wires because we grew up in different countries.
I used to dawdle and steal crabapples… He got driven to school until high school.
Tere // Jun 22, 2007 at 7:40 am
Living in a large urban area like I do, I struggle with this. I want Max to enjoy his childhood as much as possible, but we ARE “parenting in the age of anxiety”.
When I think about things like whether he’ll ingest a bottle of bleach or if I suck for letting him run around the backyard barefooted, I make myself remember my own childhood. My mom was the queen of anxiety and over-caution. Yet I played outside unsupervised and none of our medicines or cleaners were under lock and key.
There are degrees of risk, I guess. Lord knows I have a battle ahead of me in this area…
Jenny // Jun 22, 2007 at 9:16 am
Interestingly, I consider myself to be a very “chill” mom and yet I had knots in my stomach reading this post.
Let my kid walk to school ALONE?!?!?! Sure, they are only 6 months old and 2 years old but the thought alone worried me already. And, I’m kinda surprised at my own reaction!
I agree with you. I do. I totally, totally do. But man, it scares the crap out of me.
Stu Mark // Jun 22, 2007 at 9:28 am
Jenny, I can empathize. The first time I let my daughter come home from school alone, and she was late… wow, the fear is huge. But it’s my choice to be afraid, just as it’s my choice to leave the fear behind and trust that she’s smart and has absorbed the lessons we’ve shared with her. Sometimes (a lot of the time), it’s hard to choose not to be afraid. But it’s an incredible gift to give my kids - the gift of trust. And if the cost of the gift is my anxiety, heck, it’s for my kids, no price is too high.
A. L. Hatch // Jun 22, 2007 at 9:44 am
I walked to school by myself. I also played outside at other kids’ houses without any parental supervision. I - gasp! - was allowed to ride my bike to the corner store alone.
And I had over-protective parents for that era.
This is so accurate, SM, and a way of child rearing that I also subscribe to. Thanks for saying it so well!
LawyerMama // Jun 22, 2007 at 11:41 am
My kids are only 2 & 1, so it’s harder for me to comment on this topic but frankly I can’t imagine having a childhood without some freedom. My parents were over-protective in many ways, but I was given time and space to be a kid and to grow up. I want that for my children as well.
Emily // Jun 22, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I always figure that if anyone abducted my eldest, they’d return him in 15 minutes because he wouldn’t stop talking.
Slouching Mom // Jun 23, 2007 at 10:58 am
Jenny — It may be that you feel that way precisely because your kids are the ages they are. Or, maybe not. We all have to follow our gut.
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