I was talking to my mom recently about my sister-in-law, and her decision to take my family’s last name when she married my brother.
That makes our initials the same, and it also makes it impossible for me to have something I covet - a gmail address with my first initial and my last name. My sister-in-law, young early adopter that she is, beat me to it.
You see, I didn’t change my name when I wed.
Instead, I continued to use my professional name, in the hopes that some day I would have an opportunity to revive my byline. My name means something in the outside world, considering it is plastered all over five years worth of newspapers.
Or is it just that it means something to me?
Long before I ever entered into a relationship headed toward married bliss, I made loud and frequent noise about how I would never, ever change my last name.
“It’s mine,” I would declare, to whoever would listen. “It is the only thing I own outright.”
And at the time, that was true. The bank owned my car, I lived in a rented apartment and my parents bought most of the furnishings of my life - my computer, my clothing and my sofa were all gifts from them.
So when I met my husband, and later when we were engaged, it never occurred to me that I should take his name. It didn’t suit me, this trying on of other identities. After all, it took me nearly a decade to discover who I was. Why would I make a change at the age of 30?
Not everyone understood. All my friends took their married names, and my own father - an executive and champion of women at the large international corporation where a female CEO reigned - often liked to tell me, only in half-jest, that it was “disrespectful” to walk around with a wedding ring and an out-dated moniker.
When we had The Poo, some people looked askance at me again - wouldn’t it confuse things?
And sometimes, it does.
When she was born, the nursing staff labeled her name tag with my surname. I was shocked at how much this outraged my husband. My husband, who took boastful pride in my independent nomenclature.
Nonetheless, I cling to this last vestige of my identity - the person who has existed for 36 years and three months. A person in her own right, and a combination of many roles - wife, mother, writer, daughter, woman, voter, cook, reader, movie lover, late sleeper, and so much more.
So much more than a simple combination of letters can define.
[tags]kids, children, parents, husband, wife, married, marriage, last name, business, confusion, assurance[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Jeff Belmonte, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
0 responses so far ↓
Whitney // Oct 2, 2007 at 5:47 am
I remember not being able to decide whether to change my name, and being faced with the decision when we sat in the Marriage License office- Will I, or Won’t I?
Since I had not yet graduated from Law school, I decided it was okay to take my husband’s name- it would make a bunch of things simpler, and all my professional stuff would be under the same name.
I remember feeling really stressed about it, and feeling pressured by the lady in the office, not my fiance . I remember thinking about it as a political statement, and deciding that we were deciding to merge our lives together, and this was a new beginning, so I took the opportunity and changed it.
I’ve never been sorry I did that. I have lots of friends who didn’t, and get caught in the “No, my last name is…” thing at school functions and the like. And I guess we realize over time that our name is our identity in philosophical ways- deeper than we intended.
This was great, Amy- thanks!
Hetha // Oct 2, 2007 at 6:21 am
I was married and retained my surname for 3 years, but upon getting pregant decided to change it. I wanted to have the same name as my child - but I do miss my surname and many people in town still call me by that name. I just cashed 2 checks with my surname and it was no problem, plus I still use a credit card with that name, so I still sign my surname. It’s like the best of both worlds.
Donna // Oct 2, 2007 at 6:34 am
This is a tough issue for some. For me, I was born with a difficult to pronounce Italian last name that I probably spent a ridiculous number of hours of my life pronouncing and spelling for literally everyone - co-workers, vendors, colleagues, the cable company - that I was sort of happy to ditch it and take my husbands oh-so-easy Scottish name. And coming from an Italian family, no one expected me to retain my maiden name.
However, had I been a different sort of professional, such as yourself a journalist with a byline, or an attorney or a doctor, I would definitely have kept my name to retain that identity.
I know some women feel pressure to do one or the other but I’m terribly glad that we live in a time when we have the option, where we aren’t treated as property when we are married off by our fathers.
Jonathan // Oct 2, 2007 at 6:45 am
I tend to think that names are completely unimportant. Perhaps I think that way because I can’t remember them - or perhaps that’s WHY I can’t remember them.
My other half (she of http://www.wendyswoolies.com fame) took my name when we got married, but she has admitted she still thinks of herself as belonging with her maiden name.
That might change when the children arrive though… who knows.
SJ // Oct 2, 2007 at 7:02 am
I changed my name but still use my maiden name for work purposes (I’m a scientist). Technically I hyphenate for HR purposes so my check has both names, but I just joke that I’m Dr. S… and Mrs. B… (a la Jekyll and Hyde) - a few confusing moments when I’m not sure which name I’ve given, but usually I give my married name for anything personal so it’s not too hard.
You can actually call yourself whatever you’d like as long as you’re not trying to defraud anyone…
La Rêveuse // Oct 2, 2007 at 7:07 am
I felt much as you did, but also wanted a bump in the alphabet (he’s at the beginning, I’m at the end.) His is easier to spell, too, though I do have to every time because it’s a little different. So I kept both, unhyphenated if you please. And he took mine as a second middle name (unofficial–haven’t coughed up the 500 bucks to make it so yet), as a sign of respect for me. (It also helped when publishing as there’s another scientist with his name out there.) When our daughter was born, she got 2 middle names, one being my maiden name.
This solution has worked very well for us, though it might be a little unorthodox. My very traditional grandmother told me she thought it was a very cool idea, and she wished she had done it.
My stepma asked what our daughter would do when she got married, and wouldn’t that be confusing for her?
I said, “I hope not. By then, she’ll be an adult and can choose the way she wants her name to be.”
Just like we did.
Stu Mark // Oct 2, 2007 at 7:21 am
A) I’m a guy.
B) I married a woman who had already been married once.
C) She had already taken her first husband’s name.
D) She had two beautiful babies with him.
E) They carry their father and mother’s last name.
F) I would have enjoyed my wife taking my name, but it wouldn’t have been cool for the above reasons. :-\
Leeanthro // Oct 2, 2007 at 7:44 am
I was born with a very difficult to spell Italian name (as the above commentor). In fact there are only 4 people in the U.S. with that last name. My family is fresh off the boat!
But after my parents divorced, my relationship with my father suffered, and my stepfather eventually adopted my brother and me. He took our stepfather’s last name and I hyphenated. Back then no one hyphenated and it was a real pain. (”Yes, they are both my last name.” “I realize that it’s too long for the form.” “No, don’t just pick one of them to write down.”) I eventually had my name legally changed to that of my stepfather.
I jokingly told my husband before we were married that if I got published before he finally broke down and married me that I would not change my name. I did start my professional career before we were married. And there’s nothing more confusing that trying to look up a woman’s research and not being able to find it because she changed her name.
I know, I know, I could have continued using my maiden name professionally. But I just didn’t see that it was a big deal not to change it. And it saved quite a bit of paperwork.
When I made that decision and also when we decided to have kids, I told myself that there are going to be times when I am called “Mrs. Husband’s-last-name” and that I just can’t get uptight about it. I think that the thing that gets to me more is the “Mrs.” part, not the being called the wrong last name part. I DO correct people and say “Ms.”
But in my circle of friends and colleagues, no one thinks twice about whether or not a woman changes her name. There still is a tiny part of me that wishes my children had my last name and not that of their father (damn patriarchal society), after all, I carried them for 9 months!
LawyerMama // Oct 2, 2007 at 7:44 am
I’m hyphenated. My name is now really long and unwieldy, but I’m attached to my name. I got married when I was 22 and my name still meant something to me even before I had a professional identity. My maiden name is impossible to pronounce, but it’s mine. It’s my link to who I am and who I was, my ancestors, my heritage, my identity. I would never get rid of it for some antiquated tradition. It would be disrespectful to me to ask me to do it.
My boys just have the hubs’ last name & I generally introduce my self by their last name only for stuff related to them. It might be a bit more complicated if I hadn’t changed my name at all, but it would still be worth it.
The boys had my name on their bassinet cards in the hospital too. I actually LOVED that! My husband was slightly annoyed but understood that as far as the hospital knew they just mine until I filled out the paperwork saying otherwise!
Chris // Oct 2, 2007 at 8:10 am
I have a funny story about last names. I was one of those who always swore I would keep my name, Musser. Years ago, I was dating a guy whose last name was Schmelzer. Things were pretty serious between us and during dinner with a dear family friend, Martha, I was quizzed about him…his profession, his family, his full name (I won’t reveal it, but when she learned his first and middle names, Martha asked, “Was his mother hoping for a priest?”) This went on until she finally said, a bit teasingly as she knew the answer, “So, Chris, if you marry him, will you change your last name?” My mom replied for me, “You know she would never change her name!” After a brief pause, Martha said, “So, does that mean your children will be Musser-Schmelzers? Doesn’t that sound like some sort of psychiatric disorder?” We all just died laughing.
Well, I didn’t marry that guy. The man I did marry has a lovely French name that suits him perfectly. I am who I am, though, and I’m proud of my family’s Pennsylvania Dutch heritage (that’s German-American for those of you not from the Eastern seaboard) and didn’t want to give that up. Yes, it’s confusing not to have the same last name as my husband, but not in the way you might think. Since I do most of our bill paying and family other business, my husband gets a lot more “Mr. Musser” than I get “Mrs. Fancy French Name.”
I don’t like hyphenated names and felt strongly that I wanted my first born to have my last name. It offends my feminist sensibilities to have my own name (even if it is my father’s, not my mother’s surname) disappeared by marriage or not passed along to at least one of my children. So, our daughter has my last name and our son has my husband’s last name. Oh, it’s something I have to correct all the time, but I’ve lived with a confusing name all my life (I go by my middle name–you would not believe how much of a pain *that* is), so I’m accustomed to correcting people about names. There are worse things in life. Such challenges build character, right? At the very least, it makes you clear your throat, stand up straight, and find yet another polite way to correct yet another presumptive so-and-so, who guessed wrong, once again.
Whitney // Oct 2, 2007 at 8:42 am
My maiden name is Schumacher, which no one could ever spell, and no one could ever pronounce when reading it aloud. Reading the comments, I was reminded of the time when people would say “Whitney Gallagher Schumacher- sounds like a law firm by itself.”
Hoffman seemed easier, and I think the bump in the alphabet helped as well. It is easier for the kids to spell, but I still miss the name sometimes.
carrie // Oct 2, 2007 at 9:00 am
It is such a personal choice, and one that I think men just don’t understand . . . completely, as it hardly ever happens in reverse!
Maybe you could talk your SIL out of her email name? Bribe her?
Bon // Oct 2, 2007 at 9:49 am
i kept my name when i married, and when i divorced, was awfully happy i had.
in my current relationship it’s never even been a consideration…we have professional lives that overlap in places, and i’m often happy that it isn’t immediately evident to people in work situations that we are a couple, since the assumptions and power dynamics read onto that aren’t necessarily ones i’m comfortable with. in our family life, i don’t mind having a different last name than my children (they have their father’s name, he was the last of his line), and even though we live in a small, rural-ish place, it’s not that uncommon.
flutter // Oct 2, 2007 at 11:37 am
I actually never considered the name thing from this point of view. I cannot wait to get rid of my father’s name and take on the name of a family who treats me like one of their own.
Melissa // Oct 2, 2007 at 11:44 am
Thank you!
I kept my last name when I married. I always wanted to, or didn’t want to change it, rather. My hubby was fine with it.
I lost my father at a young age (for me, and for him too, come to think of it) so keeping that name kept him around a bit longer. And it was so very much me, my name, who I was/am.
My kids have Dad’s last name, daughter has my maiden name as her middle name, and I hyphenate anything I sign in regard to them at school, doctors, etc. But I didn’t legally change it. It’s my name at work. My name on checks, credit cards, etc. I make most family reservations in a married name (going with the call yourself what you want way of thinking).
Few people give me a glance when I say “I didn’t change my name when I married.” I am an engineer with an established career long before marriage, so folks in this area didn’t even question it.
Although, most Mom’s don’t understand, and I’ve had a lot of questions by non-professionals. I admit to being sensitive about it all at first. Now, it doesn’t matter. I don’t mind making sure people all know these are MY kids, not ones I married into (it doesn’t help that they look just like their dad, and nothing like me).
Anyway, I also felt robbed of my initials. My sis in law shares my initials, and last name now, so I am not the only one with those.
Good luck in reconcilling. I think it’s worth it to me.
Thanks for giving me a read that made me feel good.
Jennifer // Oct 2, 2007 at 12:43 pm
I took my husband’s name, but only because my maiden name was so hard for people to pronounce. Little did I know that people in the South would have such a time with my married name. Ugh.
Interesting post and comments!
Janet // Oct 2, 2007 at 2:00 pm
My maiden named rhymed with “Slut,” a fact that didn’t escape my classmates (why are kids so mean?). For the record, I wasn’t; a slut, that is. Still, it was a unique name and a good friend of mine, who didn’t change her name when she married, urged me to keep it. I thought about it; my father is an only child and he only has daughters.
In the end, I changed my name. I loved the way my husband’s last name sounded with my first name. It’s sort of vanilla, but I guess I could never get over the ‘Janet Slut’ echoing in my 10-year-old head.
Jennifer // Oct 2, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I never changed my last name. But, it had more to do with laziness than any particular statement. I always say I am going to, but I never do.
That would involve getting in the car, driving somewhere (where exactly is it that you go?) and filling out endless paperwork. It will probably never happen. Oh well. I like my name anyways.
Green SAHM // Oct 2, 2007 at 3:27 pm
I kind of like how my parents did it. My mother and I share a middle name. One of my sisters has our mother’s first name for her middle name.
But I didn’t do that for my daughter, just because I didn’t like how the first name we chose sounded with my middle name. If I ever have another daughter, I’m determined to do it. One of my sisters did that for her eldest daughter too.
Then there’s my oldest sister. She kept her maiden name, and when she had a daughter, she gave her her last name, and her husbands last name is a part of the middle name. It makes it torturously long, as the poor child has a two-name middle name, and both her last name and her husband’s last name are 9 or more letters.
Tuesday // Oct 3, 2007 at 8:37 am
I never changed my name either, and it has been seven years. Maybe one day if it becomes too confusing for my kids, but for now I jsut want to be me.
Sandra X // Mar 25, 2008 at 1:03 pm
i thought about it and really had to choose when i was signing the marriage certificate and it is the best decision i ever made now that i’m divorced. i will NEVER take anothers name. this is me, has been me for the last 34 years and is my identity and who the world knows me as. i would encourage all women to AT THE VERY LEAST hyponate but NEVER NEVER drop your birth name, your heritage, your family’s pride. best decision to date.
Leave a Comment