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I noticed that my “The Problem Is The Problem” had been mentioned in the context of another Parent Hack, titled “Tips For Controlling Your Temper”.

One of the commenters expressed an opinion that the concept of controlling your temper, as explained through the original poster, made it seem as though the idea was to squelch your emotions, which didn’t sit right with said commenter.

I agree, and thought I’d write about it, to talk about feelings, and the difference between expressing your anger at your child and *explaining* your anger *to* your child.

If the last sentence rang true, you and I are finished for the day - go out and play. If it didn’t make sense, give me a moment of your time:

Sometimes we get angry at our kids. They are, after all, the most frustrating little things on the planet, way more frustrating than popcorn stuck in your teeth or traffic jams or cuts in education. And sometimes our kids really push our buttons, hard. Like they are actually enjoying watching steam come out our ears.

My belief is that, while it’s ok to *feel* how you want to feel, it’s not ok to assault your child with this anger. Communicating anger, in its pure form, at your child is a step away from physically striking them. Not exactly the most productive thing for your relationship, as well as being a bit traumatic for your kid.

But what to do with your anger? After all, you sincerely have a right to your anger.

One way that works for me is to calmly tell my kid exactly how mad I am. I don’t raise voice to them, but I do explain to them precisely how I feel, unexpurgated. I look them in the eye, demanding that they listen to me as I explain what they did and why I’m angry.

I find that this creates several positive outcomes. One is that when I talk about how I feel, I feel better. Another is that if I’m calm when I talk about my anger with the kid in question, they seem to actually hear me, and, most of the time, they don’t do the thing anymore. Lastly, our relationship cements that much harder - they get the unspoken respect that they are being paid.

So while I am opposed to yelling, I am firmly in favor of direct communication. Kids are just like grown-ups, just shorter and with less experience. And if grown-ups enjoy calm, collected communications, why wouldn’t kids?

by Stu Mark

[tags]parents, parenting, kids, children, feelings, anger, expression, expressing, explanation, explain, talk, communicate, relationship[/tags]

Photo graciously provided by Seb* [°|°], through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved