CAUTION: This post contains potentially sensitive Holiday material (you might want to make sure no one is reading over your shoulder!)
I have been a stay at home Mom since our first daughter was born, ten years ago this month.
In those ten years, there is very little that I have not encountered. So far, I have been asked every question, faced with every dilemma and cleaned up a whole lot of mess. I like to think I’ve faced each situation with grace and wisdom. Okay, maybe not each, let’s say most - because the time I walked into the bathroom to find our son covered in wet toilet paper did get met with smiles.
It’s December and excitement abounds. As a parent it has become my favourite time of year. I love purchasing gifts and watching my kids open them on Christmas morning. My husband and I pick a tree with care and the children decorate it with their handmade ornaments. We spend nights discussing the reason for the season and the more fun side, Santa.
Our oldest daughter, now ten years old, figured out the Santa mystery all on her own. She asked and I told her the truth. That was two years ago. So far, she is proving to be an excellent co-conspirator. She helps me pick out presents and wrap them. She reads stories about Santa to her siblings and would never spoil the surprise. There were no questions or concerns, just the satisfaction of knowing how helpful she is being.
It’s not going to be as easy with her eight-year-old sister.
While driving to school she didn’t just ask the question, she had a whole list of concerns and worries about Santa.
“Mommy” she said, “I have a question about Santa.”
I was prepared for her to flat out ask if he was real, but that’s not what I got.
“If he visits kids all over the World, why doesn’t he go to Africa?”
They had seen a video about a Christmas Charity at school.
“How come some kids in my class get fifty presents and we only get three or four each?”
Her best friend is an only child, as is my nephew, and gets seriously overloaded at Christmas.
Thankfully, we got to school just as she was asking the last question and so far she hasn’t asked again. I stammered through a few typical responses and told her we’d talk about it later. Later is going to come soon and I have to say, I’m stumped. I have absolutely no idea what to say.
What do I say to her?
How do I explain why her best friend gets so many presents? I’ve thought of telling her that it’s because she has more brothers and sisters, but that makes no sense. Santa sees all children equally, right? So how about children in developing nations? Each and every response I come up with contradicts the one before it.
I need help! We have some knowledgeable and eloquent readers here, so give me your ideas!
[tags]questioning Santa, holiday doubt, Santa mystery, believing in Santa, not believing in Santa, Parenting[/tags]
Photo by Scott Sandars via Flickr.
13 responses so far ↓
Megin Hatch // Dec 8, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Don’t look here for eloquent
This is exactly why I want to be a part of GNM Parents. Someone who reads this must have some ideas.
My boys (almost 7 and just 5) want a 4 wheeler for Christmas. Lucky for us, Santa knows we don’t have the room to store a 4 wheeler. He also knows that we don’t do violent toys, yugioh cards, pokemon stuff, and the ground is way too cold for Santa’s elves to dig a pool in the backyard.
So when it comes to comparing their loot to other kids loot, Santa knows what gifts are best for you. He must know that _____ isn’t the right gift for you right now. Let Santa shoulder some of the no’s for a change :).
The Africa thing- well, I have hugely conflicting thoughts here. The window where children are old enough to “get” Santa and when some older sibling or classmate slams that window down by revealing the truth- is so so so small. That part of this month is magical.
Schools should be teaching about giving, about needing, about people not having enough. I guess. Because it takes a village, right? So, while I believe fully that it is MY role to grow responsible, compassionate, giving children, I suppose it can be reinforced at school. Here’s the big BUT: let my kids believe for a bit longer- do the giving schpiel in March- do not associate it with “the Big Guy.”
I’m not going to get all “when I was a kid” on you, but I think kids are burdened with reality a lot. I want my kids to believe and allow me and my family to sink into this magical place for this brief period of time.
I figure this might be my last year for the oldest… I am going to fully enjoy it.
Jill // Dec 9, 2006 at 2:00 am
Those are tough. At our house Santa only brings the stockings and a couple of big unwrapped gifts. The rest is from Mom and Dad. That’s how I would have explained away the kid in the class with all the presents (i.e., most of em came from his parents).
The Africa thing? No idea.
Good luck!
Erica // Dec 9, 2006 at 10:03 am
I agree with Jill on the first point, Santa brings a couple but parents buy some too.
The Africa thing.
1. Your child must be extremely clever/thoughtful.
2. Perhaps. and I realise this may not be the best answer but it’s the only one I have, you could say that children in africa don’t ask santa for gifts as their needs are so much greater than ours ie they need clean water, food and clothing before they need gifts and Santa trys his best with these things but it’s a lot to fix. You could then ask your children if they would like to prepare gift boxes to give to some african children?? I would do the explanation quickly and then really focus on the ‘but how can we help bit’, when your child ‘finds out’ they will realise that for a short time they had become Santa too without even knowing it. Good Luck
Annie // Dec 9, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Erica, that’s an awesome way to explain a very difficult concept.
And it also helps with the concepts of charity and “giving”.
As for the first one (why do some kids get more presents), you guys beat me to the punch on that one. Both of my kids are clueless about Christmas…but when they get older, I bet I’ll have some ’splainin’ to do. (as my Southern husband puts it).
Chantal Hubert // Dec 9, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Erica, WOW, what an AMAZING answer! And so simple! I bow to you.
Lots to think about here so far. I hadn’t considered encouraging her to continue believing, but I realize now how important it is.
Stu Mark // Dec 10, 2006 at 5:32 am
I’m Jewish, so feel free to blow off the following as the ignorance of someone culturally out of touch with Santa Claus.
My advice is this. 10 is the new 15, so 8 is the new 12. Your daughter is ready for the real truth. Sit her down, preferably on a weekend morning when there is nothing to do. While she is still in bed, sit/lay with her and tell her the adult truth about Santa. Begin by telling her that you respect her, and that you see that she is smart (the Africa thought is what I would use as evidence, so she doesn’t thing you are blowing smoke up her butt (’cause kids can smell condesention a mile away.)… Once you’ve explained your respect, tell her that it is time for her to know the truth, then lay it out. If she’s old enough to ask the questions about Africa, then she’s old enough to handle the de-mythification of Santa. It may sting, and you may have to follow up with hugs and wiping away tears, but then again, she may actually feel good, as you are treating her with respect.
Again, I’m a Jew, so who knows, I may be a knucklehead here.
Regardless, I wish you G-dspeed and I respect your situation. Good luck, and please, let us know what you do.
Amy // Dec 12, 2006 at 12:03 am
Erika, that is genius.
I am stumped, personally. I like to think that The Poo will grow up realizing that she is blessed and that she will understand that philanthropy is an important part of every day, not just the holidays.
Jay // Dec 14, 2006 at 2:36 pm
Enjoyed your question and the responses! I just recently posted on this subject and one of them included a story that was sent to me regarding the child finding out that Santa is not quite who they were lead to believe.
Sounds like your 8 yr old is similar to my six year old boy, they are thinkers (always the last to fall asleep, always coming up with very deep questions) and have very tender hearts.
Best wishes to you and yours this Christmas!
Michelle // Dec 16, 2006 at 10:08 pm
Maybe this isn’t the best response but I see no problem with parents saying a simple, “I don’t know.” It shows we’re human and don’t have all the answers. I think it’s important for children to realize we’re trying our best but aren’t perfect. Kids understand an “I don’t know” too because they feel it all the time. A nice post!
Kate // Dec 18, 2006 at 8:19 am
In creating charity gift boxes together, I tell my 4 year-old son that “We’re helping Santa out.”
We’ve had different problems living in Germany where St.Nicholas comes on his feast day, Dec. 6, leaving sweets in children’s shoes while on Christmas Eve, the Christ Child leaves gifts for children under the tree.
We blend traditions and open our presents on Christmas morning. As long as there is magic, we find that the content of the boxes is less important.
Holly Schwendiman // Dec 18, 2006 at 10:32 pm
It’s been interesting to me to watch my oldest go through these motions herself. I know somewhere inside she knows that Santa isn’t real in the same sense that he is portrayed, but she still has that desire to believe in all that is good around it. I truly appreciated the way a Santa dealt with this question of how many gifts last week. He didn’t ask what the children wanted, he asked what they wanted most. He also took a few minutes before letting them sit on his knee to share that Christmas isn’t about him or them, but about Jesus and giving to others as He gave to us. It was a wonderful experience for my kids and it reinforced so much of what I’ve tried to instill in them. I think kids need to understand that the greatest help, gifts and miracles come from us to others. Maybe that’s why there’s still so much suffering in the world - because we haven’t figured that out yet and we keep waiting for something beyond comprehension to just make it all go away. With so many good things around this holiday time, perhaps this is the best of all - the opportunity to teach our kids to want to be the givers.
Hugs,
Holly
Holly’s Corner
Here via the carnival of family life.
ChristineMM // Dec 19, 2006 at 11:49 pm
Hi!
Yes, some serious questions.
I tell my kids that Santa only brings gifts to children who believe in Santa and who act good (mostly good) through the year.
I would probably say I don’t know if people in Africa believe in a Santa. Second I’d say that I am not sure that Santa doesn’t already go there. Hey, I beat around the bush or at least I try.
On the number of gifts, I’d say I just don’t know the logic that Santa uses for the number of gifts.
When my child was born one relative asked me to co-conspire and to only give one gift from Santa. The problem then was that the rest of the gifts she had coming from Mom and Dad. I didn’t want my kids begging me to buy everything for them, to have limits, etc. so in the beginning we had Santa bring a lot and we gave nothing. That tapered though to being less from Santa and more from us. Mostly due to things like the kids seeing an ad for a certain toy at a good price and they knew I was going to buy it, so that one was from us not Santa.
We pick a bigger gift that we have said no to in the past due to high expense and give that as the main Santa gift.
I tell my kids not to talk a lot about what they got as others may not get as much and it may make them feel bad or it may come off as bragging for them. In reality there are friends and family who get tons more than my kids.
Erica Douglas // Dec 20, 2006 at 10:19 am
Michelle is right - I don’t know - is a perfectly good answer, and could still lead on to charitable giving
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